


It has made me better, loving you

by Erine_24



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Castiel Saves Dean Winchester, Castiel Wants Dean Winchester to be Happy, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Goodbyes, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Moving On, Sad Castiel (Supernatural), Sad Ending, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:02:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erine_24/pseuds/Erine_24
Summary: Full of distress, Dean was moving fast, eyes still looking everywhere, hoping he could find him. A million questions were ponding in his head. He didn’t even know why he was so afraid. Maybe he was just gone at the market, right? But deep down, a part of him knew something was going on. Like his soul had felt the angel's absence. So, the faster he could, he went to the Impala, ready to go get him, wherever he was. He was putting on the ignition key when he noticed the folded paper. His body stopped, suddenly frozen.DEANThat was what was written on it. With Castiel’s handwriting.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	It has made me better, loving you

**Author's Note:**

> Happy reading! ^^

Hello Dean,

  
This feels quite particular to talk to you through a simple piece of paper, and honestly I’m not really comfortable with that, but I guess that's what people do when they can't tell things in person. Because that's my situation. And you'll understand through that letter why I can't tell you everything right in front of you. You know I like our talks Dean, but, This time is different.

  
You should've noticed that I wasn't in the bunker when you woke up. I know this, and probably right now I would’ve heard your words that you just sent to reach me out. And you must’ve suddenly find that letter, carefully placed on the Impala. Because if there one place where I knew you would obviously look to, it’s there. Of course you want to find me, Dean. I know you. You don’t let family behind. Especially when we all are finally free, don’t you? But I got to ask you something that you won’t understand first. You’ll think that it’s not going to be happening, but you’ll understand through that letter that it’s the only way.

  
I’m asking you to stop. Don’t go anywhere looking for me. I need you to. Do never look for me. It would be useless Dean, don’t find me. I don’t want to be found. I left. This morning, while you were still asleep. I came to say goodbye to you. You didn’t hear me, but I was there.

  
And don’t think it’s easy for me to go like that. But I had to. And I’m sorry for that Dean. I know that you deserve real goodbyes… You deserve a real explanation, face to face. But I couldn't. But you’ll understand, you’ll understand because you would’ve done the exact same thing if the roles were reversed. I know you, Dean. And you know me.

  
For all that happened, we know each other for 12 years. 12 years... I know you know this, because I’ve already told you several times, but those 12 years, no matter how messed up they had been somehow, were the best part of my life. Those years I spend by your side... Made me feel like someone, for the first time. You know, I have a family now. People I care about, that care about me. People I would die for and that would die for me. A home. And trust me when I say it, if I could do it all over again, I would, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

  
You know, I lived, centuries… Eternity. I’ve seen it all. Creation, destruction… I’ve seen humanity come to life, fall a million and million times, only to rise again every single time. Everything can move on, rebuilt and rise again. Humanity will never stop living, whatever happens. Because humanity has hope. Humanity has love. Something I never knew before. All those centuries I lived, all those things I saw... I always found humanity beautiful. But I never understood it. I never felt love, happiness. I never had someone to care for, someone to die for. Somewhere I belong to. I was just a simple angel following every order I received. Life was always the same. I had a mission, I was doing it, and then I was waiting for the other one. But I didn’t care. Because I didn’t even know emotions. Feelings.

  
Then you came around.

  
The day I dragged you out of hell and raised you from perdition… I knew that it would change me forever. Because you came to me. Well, I came to you, but you happened to me. We’re bonded Dean, I know you feel it too. And I know you can still feel this mark on your shoulder. You forever will.

  
Don’t you find it beautiful? Look where did we go from there. Yet the first time you actually met me, the first thing you did was stick a knife into my heart. Really you, Dean.

  
But remember that day, in that warehouse. Did you know? Did you know like I knew? Like when I looked into your green eyes, I knew they would change everything? That those eyes would be the ones changing the world? Changing my world?

  
Dean, I could never forget, I could never thank you enough for everything you guys did to me. What you did to me. What you taught me. You know, you taught me so much. It’s like I was living again. You changed me, Dean. You taught me what life is for. What is worth it, what worth the risk and worth saving. You taught me limits, emotions... Well, especially emotions. You taught me how to stand by myself. Be myself, fight for what is right. Dean, you may not realize it, but… You saved me. And you’re still doing it every day. I know we’ve been through a lot together, you and I. We’ve had our differences, and it wasn’t always right, but we went through it.

  
I understand humanity now. I understand those feelings, those emotions… I know hope, I know regret, happiness, sadness, despair… And I know love. I understand now, that feeling every time I look at you. It took me a long time to figure it out, because it’s something purely and way too human, but I know this is it.

  
I’m in love with you, Dean Winchester. All of you. You may doubt about it a lot of times, but to be honest, I think I always had been… You know, you always had been so special to me. Because you are special. I admire you Dean. For all you’ve been through, for all that you’ve done… I know you have your faults, I have mine… But even those faults are beautiful. Because it shows who you are. And who you are, is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  
So believe me when I say I love you, because I do, so much. And I know you do it too Dean. I know it. I’m an angel, you know, and we’re bonded, remember? I know the way your heart beats so fast when I enter the room. The way you look at me… I know you feel it too. And I know you know it. Even if you never talk about it, like I never do either.

  
But, there’s a reason for that. You might be lost right now, wondering why did I left if I’m in love with you. I’m still so sorry about it Dean, trust me, I’ll never forgive myself for doing it, even if it’s the only way you can be happy.

  
Months ago, when Jack died for the first time, I went to heaven to bring him back thanks to the spell, remember? That day, I wasn’t alone looking for Jack. The Empty was there. The Empty, it’s not just a place, it’s an Entity, stronger than everything. Even God can’t do anything about it. And it wanted Jack, because the kid is part angel too. But I couldn’t let it take him away, you know I never would. So I did what family do when they want to save the ones they love. I made a deal. I was ready for the Empty to take me right then, so the kid would live. But the Empty, it didn’t take me then. It will only do the day I will finally give myself the permission to be happy.

  
And you know what that means.

  
And please, don’t blame the kid for not telling you. He did everything he could to stop it, and to convince me after that, said we would find a solution, like we always do. But it’s the Empty. And like I said, even God, even Jack can’t stop it. So we can’t fix this.

  
Now you understand why I did what I did this morning. Dean, I can’t be happy. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy too. You know our happiness are connected. If we let things like they are, the only way for you to be happy, is us. But we can’t happen Dean. Because the moment we would, the Empty would drag me to nothing, and you would live your whole life with guilt. And maybe lose yourself in your pain. I know you, Dean, and I can’t let that happen. It’s over for me, but it doesn’t have to be for you.

  
That’s why I stopped you, in purgatory, when you said you needed to say something. I knew. And I couldn’t let you say it. I still had to protect you. To watch over you, like I always did, like I always will. But you guys don’t need me anymore. Chuck is gone, Amara too… There is no balance anymore, there is just simple life. And you have Jack. That kid is strong. You’ll be happy, the three of you.

  
I need you to move on, Dean. To keep going, keep living. To find peace, like humanity does. Please… And take care of the kid for me, there are still so many things he doesn’t know about the world... but you'll make it. Because you are family. Dean, we all are family. But I had to go, I need you to be happy. I can’t take away your happiness. I can’t do that.

  
And Dean, please, don’t pray for me. Ever. You know it would only bring more pain than there already is. I know it hurts, and I know we both don’t want this, but I need you to move on from me. To forget what we could’ve been.

  
And I know it’s hard, but you have to, any of you. So I need you to tell Sam. Jack already knows, I spend the whole night explaining to him what had to be done. And even if he’s still not completely okay with this, he understands. And I need you to understand too, Dean. Please, understand. 

  
I need you to find happiness without me. Maybe in months, maybe in years… But you have to. And I hope, that, when you’re looking back years from now, you’ll be able to just smile, be happy and in peace with everything that happened, all our memories. That you won’t regret a thing, like I don't either. I hope you’ll find a way. You’re strong, Dean, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known. You can do this.

  
You deserve to be happy, more than anyone.

  
Trust me, I’ll never forget those 12 years. I’ll never forget you. And I’ll never stop loving you.

  
Thank you for everything.

  
Goodbye Dean.

Castiel.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Hope you enjoyed it ^^


End file.
